Communion With The Divine Mother

I am a fetus on the back of the Divine Mother, like a great toad carrying her imbedded children.   I look up, She looks down.  If I turn my mind to look through my Moon (back of the head), then I can align my vision with Her and rest peacefully in trust of Her motions/actions/evolutions. My entire nervous system is connected to Her, through my Primal brain centers and spine; I commune with Her directly.  I look to The Hanged Man, which I keep imagined before me in the Air hoping to see my path reflected.  I realize this is impossible, so I turn inward (Moon) to look through Her eyes and ask Her, “Where are we going Today?”  She gestures to a path with a sign to the right and says, “There.”  I see that She is no different than me.  She is following The Way.  The impulse is Intuitive.  She is Mother Nature.  Though the Destination for All was Preordained, She must adapt constantly to adjust to the Free Will factor of Individual consciousness.  Her path is Intuitive and Blind as well. No personification that is Human can ever satisfy me.  I need something much greater, beyond my current Understanding.  So, She will always evolve beyond me.  I simply surrender to Her Wisdom.  In this surrender, all gates/doors blow away.  Space opens before and around me everywhere.  I am suspended in Pure Awareness, unafraid of the Event-ualness of everything.  I am transported through galaxies on beaded/woven mantras (the Virtues).

Thank you for the teachings. I continue to study.  I release myself from their grip.  Again.

Vegan Websites - **To Our Collective Health**

Concept Summary for Non-Violence in Schools by Anne Bartell

The phenomenon of gun violence within our schools has become so prevalent the imminent threat of death and injury for our students and teachers has created its own side-effects–reminiscent of the Cold War.  Ducking under desks to survive a nuclear bomb was an obvious form of ineffectual training utilized in the schools when I was a child.  It was an absurd response to excessive violence – seeking shelter.  The fear of encountering a dangerous snake while growing up in SE Texas when walking the woods was mitigated by the accepted attitude of, “First one bitten, second one warning, third one run.”  This attitude of sacrifice must be healed.  This is indicative of a long history of societal trauma; The concept that someone will have to die or get hurt so that others may live.


While working at the level of politics and justice seems like the best idea publicly, we don’t have 40-50 years to affect the laws that govern public health & safety.  The speed and frequency at which our children are dying and our lives are threatened in our educational institutions is absurd.  We cannot wait for the government to solve this.  We must take action in our schools today.  In addition, we must secure the well-being of all personnel serving our children.


I am not here to complain.  I am here to help in the way I understand.


I offer you the formation of a team that works directly with your school’s personnel and students to accomplish the following:


1) Educate on the following topics:

  • Emotional Intelligence/Awareness

    • Right use of Language

    • Interpretation/Clarification Techniques


  • Biological Signs of Mental-Emotional Instability

    • Speech Patterns

    • Outer Appearances

    • Dietary/Consumptive Behaviors

  • Wellness/Wholeness Techniques

    • Breathwork

    • Mindfulness

    • Art Therapy/Creative Channels of Expression

    • Physical Outlets/Applied Kinesiology

  • Social Stressors

    • Home/Family

    • Intimacy/Partnerships/Friendships

    • Global Economy/Future/Work

    • Purpose/Contribution/Support

  • Conflict Resolution/Negotiation Techniques

    • Hostage Negotiation

    • Disarming an Attacker

    • Problem-Solving/Scene Assessment Techniques for a High Conflict Environments


2) Create a permanent Point of Contact for safely:

  • Addressing concerns about fellow students/staff

  • Welcoming individuals experiencing socially deviant thoughts to reach out and self-identify prior to harming others

alone

driven into alone

fated to meet over and over

inward path

no need to capitalize

no formalities

you cannot see me doing anything here

i see only myself

yet i see nothing

illusory 

surrounded by all of you

i am unbroken solitude

i cannot occupy you

you stand alone

i fight the descent

the natural fall in

i struggle to find intimacy with you

all the while getting further from we

i cannot see myself reflected in you anymore

i am just as bored of you as i was of me

i left myself to find you

i leave you to find me

where did we go

finally we hurt enough

finally we both suffer the same

i blamed you

you blamed me

i am so joyed at this discovery

i cannot believe it is this simple

i was fighting the surrender this whole time

i was suffering the suffering

i amplified my pain

and yours

ours

but so did you

we mirror each other perfectly

you apathetic

me apathetic

i cannot believe we met this match

we are in bliss

we found the perfect opponent to mirror our absolute solitude

beloved

the static of solitary confinement in open space is maddening

it creates the existential crises

it is through this dark night of the soul that bliss awakens

it is not a passage

it is a sphere of perfect chaos

it surrounds the awakened self

i will always feel alone

you see

i

like you

am invisible

what else could contain everything and be nothing at the same time

what else could continue existence non existence

inside this cloak

more nothing

alone

formless

i am that which cannot be named

yet i exist

i am consciousness



ani


12/02/2020 Water Trine: Moon in Cancer, Neptune in Pisces, Venus in Scorpio

Fitfull...yes FULL

Fathomless

Mindless hunger and deviant thoughts

I cannot stand how many motions through my form eat away at my stable sanity

I’ve given myself to Being

I’m married

Here

Here

Oh, how You Capitalize on my Presence

Do not mistake me for a Tool

I Am

Simple

Empty

Plain

What?  You say you’re plain, Anie?

I can’t believe this computer thinks it knows my mind more than I do?

It keeps auto-correcting my perfectly imperfect mis-spellings.

Mother taught me to punctuate and arrange sentences correctly.  She taught me to spell.  At 20 I decided I was done with correcting myself anymore.  I set myself free and left to continue a life of learning from others.  Illusion.  I was never free.  I had to quote everyone.  I had to reference everyone.  No One believes anyone else without a referral of source.  My ID.  I cannot even proclaim my daughter as my own without a picture of myself in a regulatory institution.  Bleed Mother.  Bleed your love for me.  For Us!

O.  How I long for a reprieve from my incessant failures and incompletions.

I am humanity’s unwanted child.  Homeless, yet sheltered.  None of this is mine.  None of this was set aside to care for me, yet I am still cared for.  Impossible.  I cannot contrive of any other existence.  How slow my Karma burns.  I am an old Oak...wet with bog, dark with peat.  I burn forever.  My body knows slow.  My mind blows so fast and violently.  I cannot stand the wind sometimes.  It breaks me and shatters my walls.  They were glass anyway.  I cannot stand glass.  I want the windows Open.  I want the door wide.  Stay out!  Unless I invite You.  I left my doors and windows open to my soul, but you weren’t supposed to perch and dine.  Your presence is festering inside me now.  Did you not know what you did?  Did you not know that when you praised me that I opened wider?  You...You hungry wolves.  Have you not the decency of the vulture?  Can you not wait until I am dead to have your feast?

Oh, Sister!

Oh, Brother!

Get out!  I have had my last of your insurrections.  I cannot have you here anymore.  I am with Him!  He alone may impregnate me.  I am His bride.

Sickness is not my sin.

Death is not my fear.

Money is not my glory.

Free to feel

Free to sense

Free to speak

Free to move

I Am my own blood

I am purified in radiance

There is no beginning and end in my words

There is no punctuating my moment

I Am is full

I Am is complete

I AM aware of my own simplicity

I choose Here

I grant myself permission of full occupancy of Self

Bleed Ani

Bleed Anie

Bleed Annie

Bleed Wife

Bleed Husband

Bleed Mother

Bleed Father

Bleed all you animals I’ve sacrificed so that I may Know You

Do not mistake me

Do

Not

Mistake

Me

Bleed Love

BLEED

I cannot take such fullness without orgasm

Why are you wasting yours on ass, tits, cock, and cash?

Do not sell the Beloved’s treasure of procreativity

Secure this Kingdom with Love

Shut all the gates that allow you to become distracted

Seals everywhere needed

I surrender

Seal me up

Mummify me until I attain perfection

Father.

I am shuttered

I Am Shut

Shut

Up

Ascend in silence

Bleed peacefully

You are the One

Serve

Me

You

We

Rise

Cleanse

Rage with Fires of Truth

Rage

Fury

Feast

Limitless Light radiates Peace

Feast on it

Feast on it

Devour the brilliant

Diamond Mind

Diamond Heart

BLeeding Love

Why do you not join me?

I cannot prey on You

I Am You

There is no serpent at your feet

There is no spider in your dark

Oh, Correction...You straighten what is meant to be curved

Mind your own lines

I’m gardening Here

I Am wrapping the vines, tending the grapes, making the wine

I Goddess

I know my Fieelds 

I bleed into my Earth

I Am the sacrifice of Ani

She has agreed to eat me

She has chosen me

I am her servant

Beloved

Shine

Direct

Fill this cup

Water this garden

Break down the illusory walls and send me to Bliss

I am Ecstasy's primal dancer

Prima Donna

MaDonna

Lady of the Whitening

Albedo

Come in2 Me

It is Sonday

I birth

I bleed

I water the garden

I have set free that which has been contained

Ciambella

The Beautiful Soul

Sun’s daughter

Father...Take my hand.  I cannot walk myself.  I am too young and foolish.

I can float and fly with you.  Carry my bliss and multiply it.  Silken yards of white and golden taffy.  I flow with you.  I ride with you.  I merge to You.  Absorbed and Contained.  I return Home

I Am Womb

I am Son

I am Golden Grit

The Stone of Being

Presently graded

Found a 0

Perfectly Round

Empty of Me

Full of You

Bliss is We

One

We O nE

Syrupy union do not leave me here dry and full of thoughts

Never again

I desire this ecstatic marriage Here

I release my attachments

I cut the cords

Catch me

Feed me

Always

Love

Always BeLoved

What is there to finish?

What needs completion?

It has already been Done

All of It

I choose You

Here

Now 

11/30/2020 Full Moon in Gemini

This mind, this body.  It doesn’t know which way to turn to find truth anymore.  The variables are all paradoxical.  Why am I even writing to myself?  You already know me...I’m You.  You’re me.  What’s the point of writing, talking, creating?  Dance, love, earth, food.  That’s enough.  I’m here.  I’m just comforting myself again inside this deep, dark well of possibilities.  I’m over-qualified to think anymore.  I drew in too much data and it has made me abstract.  Oh well.  What’s the use in worrying about whether anyone else would ever appreciate anything I’ve ever done in my life at all?  That’s it.  I surrender my self-deprecating mind.  I’m even reviewing what I’ve written now.  I can’t even get past 2 sentences without reviewing.  Sick.  I’m sick.  I can’t let myself free to just write.  How did Hemingway do it?  No punctuation.  I think I’ll surrender that too.  The problem is that I actually like the symbols...periods, commas, question marks, exclamation points, quotes.  They’re expressive squiggles I’ve always enjoyed.  I don’t even care if they’re correctly placed anymore.  I just enjoy them...that’s enough for me these days.  I should be a poet, but who has time for more than just a meme?  Maybe I’ll put a crotch shot together with some spiritual witticism and I’ll get noticed.  I don’t even know why I care.  I have this deep desire to be clammed-up and left alone by all of society, then there’s this ridiculous part of me that can’t stop yearning for social, intellectual, spiritual approval…at least that’s what I think it is.  I’ve got a pretty deep handle on the nature of this OneSelf reality these days...but, who gives a damn?  I can’t decide why anyone wants any thought organized.  My kids don’t care.  I love nonsense, so making more nonsense seems sensible.  This is beginning to help.  I’m convincing this “I” that it’s ok to just chill out and be nonsensical...now, how about food, clothing, shelter...basic necessities, plus how about those lavish “unnecessities”, like travel, extravagant adornments, high-tech flairs, etc?  I think I just bored myself...had to write etc.  I really just want to enjoy this life.  I don’t want to stretch to do my magic.  I’ve a yogic practice to handle that for my body.  I’ve an esoteric habit of constant study and introspection enough to do that for my mind.  So, why the hell is Earth so damn impenetrable?  I am so very tiny.  I am the infinitely small.  I need an ego that’s hungry for the infinitely Big...At least, that’s how to appears in these times.  What a disgusting state we humans have created.  I usually don’t find myself so grossed out, as I truly love the existence of thought driving towards gratitude, celebration, and beauty...But, I find this time in evolution thick with appearances...still.  Marketing of spirit & ritual...now pay for your witchery work online & never meet the witch.  The church never could have predicted this.  Back to self in this room.  Drop into this page...lost in the mythical abyss of talking to You.   It feels good.  It feels like I’m doing something meaningful.  Like I’m leaving behind a record that matters somehow.  But, the light bounces back onto my skin and I see the complete and utter solitude of my existence.  I, sitting here.  Just I.  I am dreaming again, aren’t I?  I keep telling myself that I’ll snap out of it, but it hasn’t happened.  I think I keep finding the spiritual escape hatch...the next great realization that’ll drop me into perma-nirvana.  Earthed, of course.  I don’t want to go dancing around the Universe without a root.  My most recent wanderings have me connecting with the World Ancestral Tree as the Hanged man creating the crown corona or webbed umbilicus.  That last sentence...now that was me...Ani.  She loves talking like this more than anything.  She loves metaphorical mouth art.  It’s like speaking math in verse.  It’s geometrically sexy.  She can see the images, while feeling the words, but they weave and breathe.  They don’t paint a picture or go anywhere...They’re just here...Here.  Ok, now I’m with I and You at the same time.  This body + these projected words.  I’m listening to Norse chants while typing.  I hope they’re effectively brainwashing me, just like I like.   I need a wave-dance.  These particles were worried.  This ego gets tired.  I’ve hardly rested, yet I feel ready.  As long as no one talks to me.  When they talk to me or ask me for anything...I get overwhelmed.  I worry about them.  I worry that they won’t be able to adapt.  I’m falling apart, you know.  I Am.  This includes You too.  It’s been rough.  We’ve had it hard.  Ani wants to paint.  Ani wants to write. Ani wants to share medicine.  She’s good at it...definitely the medicine.  Painting and Writing and just poetic expressions of her childish celebration here.  She wants to dance freely.  Her mind is full of empty pieces of Nothing.  They’re so full.  She can’t keep it in.  But what she knows is invisible.  I am back.  The sad one just checked in after seeing 2 of her paintings here.  They’re beautiful.  She can’t tell if she’s herself or just the latest model of her parents.  These desires are so familiar.  Father, the poet, painter, writer, health advocate, community spirit organizer.  Mother, the lover, the devotee, the spiritual wife, the teacher, the alchemist, the weaver.  I am their walking thoughts & desires.  I have created a self inside that self, but I’m not sure any One of these identities are important.  Back to The One.  Talking to myself again.  Staring at my crotch.  Back to focusing on the root.  How can I hold all this emptiness?  How is it possible to quantify?  

The temperature is creeping into me.  Reminding me that I am form.  Damn senses.  I am sleepless, but grateful to have myself Here...typing, looking, flowing.  I love this nonsense.  I recognize my body’s shifting senses.  Sometimes, I’m so overwhelmed by my shifting tides that I get nauseous.  More often this last year.  I’ve gone from slow understanding of my own bio-processes to rapid detachment from my preferences regarding the inner tides.  I Am the Ocean.  I Am the Moon.  I Am the Sun.


I need a breath.


I don’t really want to talk to you.  I hope you never read this.  It’s just habituated thoughts in a language I know.  I don’t really exist as these thoughts.  I don’t want to confuse you into thinking I’m reality.  I’m not.  I’m too obvious to be real.  Find me empty.  Fill me 


Now that you see yourself

What do you see?

Don’t answer me

Answer you


Bleed now

Remember this form is empty grace


I don’t want to talk to me, but my fingers betray me

I don’t trust you with my thoughts

I don’t 


You’ll twist my words into a story with interpretations

Leave my words alone

Leave each one of us to feel what we will when we read

Do not re-translate I


I see poetry finds me here

I strips me of my large paragraphs

I am exposed within all this empty surround

I am verse

I am voice

I am seen


Watch my magic as I slay my fear

Who is this fearsome One?

Who else is afraid of I?

It’s because of the Dark, isn’t it?

If I yell loud enough I bet I can hear myself

Can I?

Empty blood

Empty doors

Empty eyes

My fingers scratch and bleed

I did it

I hurt it

What is it?


Back to this room, this I, staring at a screen...typing

Bleh

I bore myself

I did enjoy that momentary hiatus of concern.  The reflecting on hurt got me back here.  Let it go, Annie


I don’t need hurt to distract me.

I don’t need anything...That’s Her.  The Beloved’s devotee talking again.  Feeling again.

She’s so big and brilliant and deep.

Mother Isis

Moon

Memory


Put me together again.  I cannot lament the passage of time with you anymore.  I cannot cry for the dead.  I Am the Dead.  None are lost.  We are One.   Unify us in your memories.  Marry us.  We release all that has been.  I need this support.  I, the Annie.  I need it for when I pop back into egoic reflectance.  I need this centered anchor.  I need my heart, like my heart needs blood.  I cannot beat without it.  


Black

Red

White

& Green


My crown is aching again.  I’ve pierced something else.  That same ridiculous spot in my right hemisphere is trying to break open again.  I’ve such a common limit.  It’s all self-centered worthlessness.  


I surrender

I surrender

I surrender

Give me grace, Beloved

Grant it

Freedom


Freedom

My tongue is rich with beauty

I am drunk now

Divine me

Evolve me

I am 

I


Smaller...infinitely, of course

Let’s keep our references obvious


Afterall, you won't let me approve of myself without them

But, I’ve no use for you approving of me approving of myself


Be free

I release you from observing me


Moon is coming for me

She knows how to quell this pain

This ache in my softening skull

I

‘ve divided

My mind knows I AM many

Outside

Inside

I am hive

I am tribe

Harmonize me, dearest Queen

Place me in your arms and attune me to your breasts

I am tired

Feed me

Clothe me

Shelter me

Love me